SHE WAS THE KIND OF WOMAN WHO INSPIRED US AND WHO WE ASPIRED TO BE.
PHONE RINGING OFF THE HOOK, HER CALENDAR BOOKED UP IN ADVANCE. STOPPED ON THE STREET BY MANY WHO WOULD RECOGNIZE HER. EMBRACING HUGS TO THOSE SHE CAME ACROSS AND A WARM SMILE TO THOSE SHE DID NOT KNOW. YOU COULD NOT MISS HER PRESENCE AS SHE WALKED BY, LEAVING AN IMPRESSION THAT IMPACTED YOU EACH TIME. SHE WAS SURROUNDED BY MANY, ENVIED BY A FEW AND ADMIRED BY SOME, YET NO MATTER HOW MANY WANTED TO BE AROUND HER, SHE ALWAYS FELT ALONE.
I woke up each morning, grabbed a cup of coffee and sat at my desk isolated within four walls. Picked up my cell phone, puffed on a cigarette while surfing through social media, liking, laughing and commenting on friends pages. My calendar was constantly filled with social gatherings, never saying no, even if exhausted to avoid the possibility of having that moment alone. How could I feel alone? I mean to everyone, my life was perfect. I possessed the ideal career, traveled across the world whenever I had time. Blessed with the many surroundings of true friends, or by those who were inspired by me and acquaintances envying me from a distance. Everyone believing that my life was incredibly perfect. Was it? or was it what you believed based upon what you thought you knew or saw of me? I mean don’t get me wrong, life is truly a blessing and I was appreciative of mine but as much as I was surrounded by the many things others wanted, I could not shake the thought of feeling alone, when clearly I was not.
What is the epitome of someones true happiness? Is it based on our careers or the amount of money we have in our bank accounts? Is it based off the beauty we possess, the clothes we wear? or the popularity of the largest social network that one may possess within their lives. I mean did it all matter? I mean when all was said and done and the clouds drifted away, we were always left to stand alone. Did all of those social or materialistic fronts really create us? because truthfully, they could never really fulfill that emptiness that stayed within our hearts.
Do you believe in purpose? or how an individual is to live their life throughout this journey. What defined us as the humans on earth and what deemed us more valuable then the next? I realized in time, it wasn’t about being alone that made me feel alone. It was the moments of being left alone that left my head and thoughts, to its own. For if I wasn’t busy enough, me, my own harshest critic during these moments was left to think about everything and anything that went through my mind. I over analyzed my life, my accomplishments, the love that surrounded me and and the core foundations of those that were truly, truly there to support me. That if you stripped me fully of what I had, would you still be there to support me to the end?
These were all the random thoughts that went through my mind. The pettiest of shit that had crawled up into my brain to make me over analyze everything within my life. My ego at my worst, my thoughts at its lowest, my heart at its heaviest. Was I falling into a depression? or was I simply making everything a catastrophe. I repeated “The world was not ending, the world was not ending, it was not fucking ending“. The universe was sending messages to me in every possible way, it was testing the true strength of ME. Do not break me, please, do not break me for I was the strongest person out there many knew. Do not fucking break me for what would everyone think if I fell apart and was left alone to crumble to my own thoughts. My vulnerabilities let out, my weaknesses creeping through, fuck, I felt like I was hitting the lowest point of my life, all alone within the 4 walls of my home. Breath, I told myself to breath, please breath, count to three, 1..2..3…. holding back those fucking tears from rolling down, fiiiiiiiight it, you are strong, you are fucking stronger then this and then, it was over.
The world did not end. The sun crept back through my windows, the heaviness lifted from within my heart. My tears had slowly dried up and I realized, that I was okay. My thoughts cleared up and something within my soul lifted. The universe did not hate me, for it was showing me that I needed to truly appreciate what was in front of me. The universe was telling me that I was blessed, actually filled with many blessings, and that for any moment that I lost gratitude that I must always remember, that no matter how low I felt, that I was blessed. Blessed because I was breathing, blessed because I had genuine people near me, blessed because family loved me unconditionally. Blessed, because I was still here on this earth.
It is through these moments, we feel we are not appreciated, but are we truly not? That perhaps in our own thoughts, we are made to believe at our low points that we are not happy. Do we over think situations that do not exist, because through this moment we have lost all consciousness of our true blessings or the gratitude within our hearts. That the universe was perhaps shaking us up a bit to say “Listen you are loved, you are appreciated and you are not alone” but a reminder that we must always maintain these positive thoughts through this journey of life and know that a constant abundance awaited us. That once we opened our minds to it and kept ourselves in the most positive light, that the doorways would fully open to guide us, that all would be okay.
I am not saying it is this simple, I am saying it never has to come to that point. That for every moment we feel that life isn’t fair, we must also remember the amount of reasons additionally to why life is beautiful. Yes there are times we require that breaking point to come to our strongest again but that is exactly why, for us to become grounded and stronger once again. That without these humbling moments, we would forget just how far along we have come. That no matter the circumstance, we were to pick ourselves up and must always continue to manifest the good, the positive and to never assume, because no matter what you see or believe, even the strongest ones out there, fall down too. But with that being said, we are to pick ourselves back up, and once again continue through this journey of life as best as we can. That all we can ever do is to truly enjoy and live the best that we can, throughout this lifetime.
Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.
How do you handle such feelings? Does this article resonate with you? Speak to me.