SHE INSPIRED OTHERS BUT NEEDED TO KNOW SHE WAS WORTHY TOO
I REMEMBER THAT DAY SO VIVIDLY, THE DAY I CONVINCED MYSELF TO WALK AWAY FROM YOU. SOMEONE I WAS SO DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH THAT CAUGHT MY SOUL IN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WAYS. THERE WAS NO GREATER PAIN THEN THE FEELING OF WALKING AWAY IN LOVE WITH YOU, AND KNOWING THAT I COULD NEVER HAVE YOU.
“I am my OWN sunshine…“
This quote, I had been preaching for the last few months. The most basic of words that made all the sense in the world, that held such a deep meaning. Yet I myself, had forgotten for even that moment, that I was my own sunshine because I started believing, that you were mine.
I was lending my ear out to many, providing my shoulder for the world to cry on. I was lacking much sleep through the days, telling myself I needed to write one more post for someone in this world, that needed me. All I thought about was accomplishing the dream of having one more person love themselves that much more and to walk away feeling inspired daily. The truth was, I was losing my own inspiration within my heart and losing all hope for myself. I recall going through all of my own posts rereading each and every story over and over again. Telling myself, to keep reading, reading -sigh- and reading. That if everyone else was seeking comfort in my words, I would too seek the same comfort. I was so desperately trying to find my own sunshine and inspiration to continue writing to fulfill my own heart. The day I abandoned my blog was the moment I had come to terms that through this all, I had forgotten my own self worth. For how could I inspire others to love themselves with all of their soul, when I myself had forgotten, how to love myself.
Life is never perfect, nor is this journey of life. I mean without all of these experiences, how could we ever expect to evolve and grow as the humans that we were placed to be, on this earth. That no matter what, many crossed our paths, and for whatever reasons, if we walked away and embraced it correctly, that we were to always learn, no matter the outcome.
It is human for us to walk away, easy for us to blame ourselves for everything and anything that goes wrong, and just as simple for us to think, that we will never be good enough. That as ironic as it was, that I could help others and inspire others so deeply, I myself felt as if I was not deserving of it all too.
The truth was, It was not because I wasn’t deserving. It was also not because the person I was so deeply in love with wasn’t either. It was how the universe worked and that we were to accept that sometimes people crossed our lives for multiple reasons. Some positive, some, not as much but they were all of beautiful lessons. Lessons to each of us. Lessons that evolved us as humans and which continued to. Lessons to remind us all once again of EVERYTHING, that no matter how we were left to feel, or felt, that we too, would always be deserving of it all too.
I never got to tell you, how much you meant to me. I never got to truly thank you, because you were my ONE biggest inspiration that kept me writing each day. The inspiration that filled my heart so deeply and that kept me on my laptop to write each night. You were a big part of the inspiration that pushed me to keep teaching others, the importance of self love and worth. That no matter what, we had to always love ourselves, first and foremost. That as disappointing as days could be through our journey of life we had to pick ourselves up because we would always be our own sunshine, and the creators of our own happiness. For that, I thank you, I thank you from the very bottom of my heart because you awakened me in such amazing ways and will never know just how much you impacted my life, in such a beautiful way.
LIFE CAN ONLY BE UNDERSTOOD BACKWARDS; BUT IT MUST BE LIVED FORWARD